The one thing that is a weird concept to me is this getting old malarky. I remember being a kid and looking at my Aunt, who was probably younger than me and thinking, “corrr, she’s well old!” Whereas I don’t think I’m old at all.
I still consider myself as one of the kids; totes down with the cool kids. I’m a selfie pouting pro, and I flashing the peace sign at any opportunity, just for the gram. Now that’s a visible sign I’m still young, right?
In my opinion, I am not at all old… these are the official 50 signs you’re old:
1. Saying “in my day…” before you begin your sentence
2. Replying to a child by stating “back in my day…” and finishing with “you don’t know you were born.”
3. Referring to foods such as Chow Mein and Chicken Tikka Massala as “foreign.”
4. Having to go to Sainsbury’s on Mondays. You can’t go any other day. You simply mustn’t. Only Monday.
5. When family forget to call for a little while, and you answer the phone stating, “bloody hell, I could have been here, dead for days, and no bugger would have known.” My Nan used to do this.
6. Having a little afternoon nap and when being picked up on the fact that you’re having a snooze, you reply with, “I wasn’t sleeping, I was resting my eyes.”
7. Having to watch every single broadcast of The News.
8. Replying to a text with “OK” to everything that’s asked.
9. “I just need to nip to the ladies room”… 5 minutes later “Ooooh, is that a toilet? I’ll pop in just in case” – what is a ‘just in case wee’?
10. When you have the time to iron tea towels, bedding and underwear.
11. When you buy sausages and say, “they aren’t like Kennedy’s.”
12. When you go to take a photo on your new phone and instead take a video, then right at the very end of the clip, say, “oh, is that filming?”
13. It could be 32 degrees, but you still say, “it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it.”
14. You refer to the internet as “the interweb.”
15. Once on the interweb, you feel the need to say “www dot…”
16. When you still call the talking clock for the exact time: “the time sponsored by Accurist will be…”
17. You reach a certain age and your birthday present is a cotton handkerchief.
18. People can be inches away from you, but you still feel the need to say, “aye, what was that?” whether you were being spoken to or not.
19. When telling the time, you say “5 and 20 to 4” – what the feck does that even mean!?!! It’s 4.35 pm.
20. Just by saying “do you take cheque” deems you as almost dead.
21. You bid farewell to someone and say “toodle-pip” or “tatty-bye”.
22. You hear Kiss FM and think it “sounds like a load of racket to me.”
23. You take pride in mowing your lawn in a fashion that rivals Wimbledon’s stripes.
24. You and your friends coincide your colonoscopy calendars.
25. Your weekly treat at the weekend is a pack of Werthers Originals you hide at the back of the cupboard, so you don’t have to share them.
26. You find the need to ask those younger than you if they are courting.
27. Everyone in your family is “our” so you have “our Carol, our Nick, our David.”
28. You have a photographic memory of the village before the pub was there, “I remember when all this was fields.”
29. You think the term ‘knocked up’ means someone waking you up by knocking on your door.
30. You use phrases like “piffle”, “oh fiddlesticks” and “poppycock” regularly.
31. When asked your age, you always say how old you’re going to be the following year: “Nan, how old are you?” – “I’ll be 74 next year, dear” – “So you’re 73 then…”
32. You see a beautiful pink sky and exclaim “red sky at night, shepherds delight” or “red sky in the morning, shepherds warning.”
33. You feel the need to blame ‘the council’ for everything wrong in the world.
34. When you believe anything new definitely has the potential of blowing up; digital radio, DVD player, Freeview – they’re all likely suspects.
35. You’ve been looking for years in shops for a Kodak roll of film for your camera.
36. You don’t want to get too close to a mobile phone because of the dangerous rays they probably emit. This can also extend to Sky, Virgin, DAB radio, the interweb.
37. You save things onto a floppy disc.
38. You regularly go to see a man about a dog. Whoever he is.
39. When asked how you are, you always reply with “mustn’t grumble.”
40. You get ridiculously excited when “Ooops Up Side Ya Head” comes on at family discos.
41. You complain that women are in the pub on a Sunday. I mean, how dare they!?
42. Your idea of a holiday involves a coach.
43. You clip random children around the ear and don’t understand why people get upset with you.
44. You book your holidays on Teletext and still believe it’s a revolutionary concept.
45. You’re always ready for an appointment with “plenty of time.”
46. You manually wind on your watch every morning.
47. You still can’t understand why Blockbuster Video closed down.
48. You get a real kick out of complaining about the weather. Too hot, too cold, too windy, too wet, not enough sunlight. It’s always wrong.
49. You buy Levi’s jeans, put them on and then lay in the bath wearing them.
50. You attempt to send an email using a typewriter.
So there you have it, a compilation of tell-tale signs that you are getting old. And if you can tick off 50% or more of these, you can officially wear the “I am old” badge with pride.
But then you can sit back and reminisce about all the fantastic things you’ve seen, the amazing things you’ve done, who you have met, what you have seen. You only live once. And we are all older than we were yesterday.