So your baby reaches 8 weeks old, and their new squishy baby looks are now a distant memory – time has gone so quickly, and you can’t believe they are 2 months old already.
The journey so far has been hard but magical all the same, and you’ve learnt so much, but if you haven’t made the 8-week stage yet, I have compiled a list of both useful and useless facts; some of them I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to now, or indeed in the coming weeks…
1. You’ve learned to reverse walk out of the room silently. Your newfound photographic memory knows every creaking floorboard, each misplaced rattle and where all furniture is. You are creeping like a cat burglar and backing up out of the nursery dodging everything in your path seamlessly.
Well, they do say “Mum has eyes in the back of her head”.
2. Your clever little one has now developed skills you didn’t even know would be possible. Your baby is a ninja warrior who could take on Jackie Chan, judo chopping air and karate kicking nothing, the entire time they are awake as their random reflexes go crazy. Hidden under that baby blubber is a 6 pack to rival Peter Andre, I’m sure of it. The core muscles of kids are nothing short of remarkable.
3. Even on the rare occasion, you manage to get out without the little one, you’ll be standing in Costa waiting for your quadruple shot of coffee bouncing yourself up and down while others look at you like you’re on day release. When shopping in Tesco, you’ll be in the queue waiting to pay, gently rocking your empty trolley. Good luck guys.
4. Before having a baby, 45 minutes was a decent amount of time to do one job casually. Now you have 45 minutes to hoover the house, prepare dinner, wash and sterilise the bottles, take the stained poo vests out of soak, check your emails, walk the dog AND sit down for a few minutes to express… You’re not called Super Mum/Dad for nothing, you know?!
5. Forget diamante and bead studded shoulders – this season it’s all about regurgitated milk stains, vomit particles and dribble stain patches on the shoulders. It’s all the rage you know, and Kate Moss is soon to be rocking this style on the catwalk that is totally inspired by Alexander McQueen.
6. If you’re doing the good old fashioned, eco-friendly Milton Water Sterilising like we are – welcome to the world of crusty skin. Beard and I now have skin that resembles a 420-year-old man who has been out in the sun for his entire life without any sunscreen. No amount of moisturiser is going to sort that out.
7. You’ve come to live with the brutal honesty that your house is officially a pigsty. It has crap everywhere – both metaphorically and physically, and there is no order to anything. Finding anything may take many many days. Now, where did you leave that baby??
8. Hot dinners. HA! What’s that?
9. So your little one is exhausted and well overdue a nap. He/She falls peacefully off to sleep in your arms looking angelic; you tentatively pop them into their cot, gently cover them and attempt your backwards manoeuvre (as outlined in point 1) – PING – eyeballs open. You pick up your little one to reassure them, and they fall back into a deep sleep nuzzling into you snoring, you ever so carefully lay them in their cot, snuggle them up all cosy and – PING – eyeballs open…. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.
10. Did anyone ever tell you your boobs can communicate with you? I had no idea that my breasts would go zingy crazy informing me it was feed time. You now no longer need a watch! The only downsize of zingy boobies is when you’ve decided to let the other half take over with expressed milk for the night, so you can have a glass of bubbly (be honest now – at least a bottle) with your girlfriends. Honestly, the urge is enough to make you want to run back home and feed your little squidge as quickly as humanly possible. Queue social life on pause courtesy of your milky food bank and rock hard titties.
11. I haven’t washed my hair for what feels like days. I don’t even know what a brush looks like anymore. Get ready to purchase shares in Toni & Guy’s dry shampoo.
12. Although you want to hold onto your little one and keep them small forever, there is part of you that secretly cannot wait for them to hold their own bottle and allow you the time to do all the things you need to; washing, ironing, washing up. The glamourous things in life! If this is your second or third child, you may even be toying with the idea of creating a device that props up the bottle at the perfect height… I’m not saying I’ve done that, I’m just, well I’m just saying that, should you want to, you maybe could… but, hey let’s just move on…
13. You started pregnancy adamant your little one WAS NOT going to have a dummy. You lasted one week and gave in to a dummy but felt sure it would just be for a “calming suckle” and not to be used each and every time they cry. 8 weeks on, you’re lucky to see your baby’s lips; that dummy is permanently wedged in there, you’ll try and wean them off when they start nursery. Or at Christmas, Santa solves everything.
14. No longer are you singing along to all the songs you hate by Justin Bieber or the ones you really like by Ed Sheeran – you’re singing along to Alfie Bear, Iggle Piggle and all those shite nursery rhymes where you only know half the words. And when you aren’t singing those, it’s going around and around and around and around and around in your head as you try to NOT sing them out loud. The worst thing is, you can’t work out if you love it or hate it.
15. You used to enjoy spa days and being treated to a facial or a massage every now and then. Those days are long gone. A spa treatment for you now consists of a daily dose of nipple cream or some Bio-Oil rubbed into your Freddy Kruger-Esq stretch marks.
16. You aren’t a needy Mum. You aren’t a “wrap in cotton wool” kind of Mum. But how many times have you checked to make sure your baby is OK? One day I counted – 6 times – I didn’t think that was too bad. However, what was bad, is I am pretty sure he was going to sleep through the night until I pinched him.
17. The one sock look is currently looking amazing. Therefore, even if you do have a pair of matching socks in the morning, by the end of the day, you will be back to one again. This statement could apply to anyone in your family, not just the baby. Embrace it. Odd sock it up!
18. The plan was to lose the belly as quickly as humanly possible, but the truth is that while breast feeding HAS indeed got me back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I certainly do not look like I did pre-pre-pregnancy. So because I have failed to do that, the new motto is “it took 9 months to put on, it will take 9 years to come off…”