I still can’t quite believe what I heard yesterday.
I keep repeating the words in my head. I. Am. Pregnant. I. Am. Pregnant.
Beard is so drained with mixed emotions and feels like life has betrayed him by “this terrible thing happening to us” – now of all times.
Pregnancy is something we have discussed before and we decided that two boys were enough for us. Although this wasn’t planned and I now categorically know it isn’t the right time in his mind, how could he think this is terrible? A little life could potentially be here and what right do we have to stop that little life from blooming?
There are thousands of people out there desperate for a baby. Therefore, what gives us the right to jeopardise such a beautiful thing based on his “bad feeling about this”?
I have nothing against someone terminating a pregnancy – abortion is a very personal choice and something that no woman takes lightly, but I believe you need to be 100% sure you are doing the right thing. Personally, I just do not know what the right thing to do is.
We have two beautiful children who we absolutely adore, Josh born in 2005 and has Autistic Spectrum Disorder which creates daily challenges, a whole lot of confusion, laughing at random things and in short, makes our everyday life very quirky!!! Plus our youngest, Finn, who was born with a heart murmur and was in and out of the hospital as a baby. Finn was a miracle baby who did a sort of “tadaaaaar“ entrance into the world. In short, I was on antibiotics, so best to be safe than sorry, we used an out of date condom that split & then little man defied the morning after pill and there he was, born on Christmas Eve as “Fairytale of New York” played & midwives dressed as Elves bumbled about with mince pies.
Me being pregnant again has made Beard come back to reality with a metaphorical bump. His dream of having kids early and travelling the world when they’re older now feels like a distant memory, but what is very obvious is how worried he is about our 3-bedroom house, which he keeps saying simply isn’t big enough. Saying we cannot afford to look after the children we already have, let alone another child, and that we can’t upset Josh’s routine with another baby right now. Maybe he is right, maybe this just isn’t meant to be.
We decide we need to discuss things. We go walking, we text, we talk in bed, we talk over dinner and it all comes back to me getting upset and Beard feeling lost. It’s the worst situation in the world. Why has this happened to us when everything was going so well; My business was growing, Beards business was expanding, the kids were doing well at school, and Josh was dealing with his Autism brilliantly. Moreover, the house was starting to come together, our garden almost finished after landscaping; things were on the up.
Of course, we know we love each other more than ever, but this could actually end us; I would never forgive myself if I’m forced to end this pregnancy, but I think if I continue, it could ruin everything. We might lose each other.
In Beards mind, this pregnancy was wrong and it needed to be ‘fixed’. In my mind, maybe this was meant to be.
Having confided in a close friend since he found out, Beard completely breaks down and actually opens up to me. He’s petrified. He’s genuinely scared about being a Dad to a newborn again and doesn’t feel he can cope or is good enough – there I was only thinking about myself. I was too worried about what was going on in my own body and in my own head. After a long chat, we laugh, we cry & we cry some more, and we decide that maybe, just maybe this really is fate. Likewise, perhaps we were meant to be a family of 5. This could be our happy ever after.
So this is where it starts; I am 4 weeks pregnant; the baby is the size of a poppy seed, so I’m told.